The world is not its normal shades of beautiful these days. It is precarious in its beauty; too fragile to be in any way reliable for more than a few moments at a time. One moment everything is grey, and in the next I see a hint of colour on the horizon. But which colour appears depends greatly on my mood, which has become less and less stable over the past week. Bright, flaming red is a common colour for me now. Either that or a deep blue. But mostly I see grey in seemingly endless waves. That spark of faith in humanity that I once had has been repeatedly stabbed and raped. I'm tired of feeling this way; I want my rainbow back.

But my rainbow is hidden beneath clouds of grief and despair. My fiance made some extremely poor decisions this past summer, involving one of his closest female friends, which has left me feeling shattered and faithless. Too many things went wrong. First, several of our friends knew about this before I did. Second, he outright LIED to me about the number of times it happened (which I had to hear from HER). Third, he couldn't conceive the notion that he should halt communication with her after everything came out in the open. Fourth, he hasn't been giving me the space I NEED to work through my anger. And fifth, he's trying to put some of the blame on me.

I will tackle these points one by one.

1. I should have been the third to know (after the two involved). The fact that Mike only told me because he was given an ultimatum by our room mate is absolutely disgusting. It proves what I've been thinking about him avoiding his emotional issues and not taking responsibility for his actions. That was evidence of immaturity to the highest degree.

2. Lying to me about the amount of times (he said once, she said 3 or 4) again shows extreme immaturity. It means that he was only going to tell me the bare minimum to keep me from finding out the full truth. I can only infer that he either intended to keep pursuing her or that he refused to take full responsibility for what happened. Maybe both. Either way is unacceptable.

3. I was hoping that he would be adult enough to realize that he should no longer be talking to her. I would think that point should be fairly obvious. The fact that he did not catch on shows his level of emotional immaturity, and also makes me think that he wanted to pursue his relationship with her behind my back. It shows selfishness and a lack of compassion for how I am feeling.

4. He claims he's been giving me space. I sent him away for a couple of months while I try to come to terms with what happened. But calling and texting me all day everyday is NOT space. He doesn't seem to realize that the more he contacts me, the less inclined I am to forgive him. He is relying on me to make him feel better about things. How can I heal when all my energy is being zapped by having to constantly talk to him?

5. He says he's taken full responsibility for what happened. He really isn't doing that. The other night he had the nerve to say to me "You should really examine what is wrong in our relationship that made me NEED to go outside of it." Nope, that right there is evidence that he is trying to shift some blame onto me. That is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable.

If our relationship was really good and fulfilling for both of us prior to this happening, I would probably have forgiven him by now. But the underlying fact that is our relationship has been seriously defective for a long time. From where I'm sitting, most of the problems relate to his level of emotional immaturity. Of course he would disagree. He seems to think that he fucked another girl because I was not supportive or affectionate enough. But why would that be the case? I think it's because he's hurt me so many other times, in other ways, that I was subconsciously distancing myself from him. There have been so many things I have had to overlook in our relationship over the years; I think they began accumulating in my subconscious mind.

So neither of us are happy with the way things are, and how they were before this separation. In my eyes, I have a whole lot of grieving to do. He has a LOT of growing up to do. I'm pessimistic that he will be able to do it. If he isn't, there's no way we will be able to work things out. He has fucked up so many times. I will probably be willing to give him another chance, but it will most likely be the last one.

After all, there are only so many colours of the rainbow.