The world is not its normal shades of beautiful these days. It is precarious in its beauty; too fragile to be in any way reliable for more than a few moments at a time. One moment everything is grey, and in the next I see a hint of colour on the horizon. But which colour appears depends greatly on my mood, which has become less and less stable over the past week. Bright, flaming red is a common colour for me now. Either that or a deep blue. But mostly I see grey in seemingly endless waves. That spark of faith in humanity that I once had has been repeatedly stabbed and raped. I'm tired of feeling this way; I want my rainbow back.

But my rainbow is hidden beneath clouds of grief and despair. My fiance made some extremely poor decisions this past summer, involving one of his closest female friends, which has left me feeling shattered and faithless. Too many things went wrong. First, several of our friends knew about this before I did. Second, he outright LIED to me about the number of times it happened (which I had to hear from HER). Third, he couldn't conceive the notion that he should halt communication with her after everything came out in the open. Fourth, he hasn't been giving me the space I NEED to work through my anger. And fifth, he's trying to put some of the blame on me.

I will tackle these points one by one.

1. I should have been the third to know (after the two involved). The fact that Mike only told me because he was given an ultimatum by our room mate is absolutely disgusting. It proves what I've been thinking about him avoiding his emotional issues and not taking responsibility for his actions. That was evidence of immaturity to the highest degree.

2. Lying to me about the amount of times (he said once, she said 3 or 4) again shows extreme immaturity. It means that he was only going to tell me the bare minimum to keep me from finding out the full truth. I can only infer that he either intended to keep pursuing her or that he refused to take full responsibility for what happened. Maybe both. Either way is unacceptable.

3. I was hoping that he would be adult enough to realize that he should no longer be talking to her. I would think that point should be fairly obvious. The fact that he did not catch on shows his level of emotional immaturity, and also makes me think that he wanted to pursue his relationship with her behind my back. It shows selfishness and a lack of compassion for how I am feeling.

4. He claims he's been giving me space. I sent him away for a couple of months while I try to come to terms with what happened. But calling and texting me all day everyday is NOT space. He doesn't seem to realize that the more he contacts me, the less inclined I am to forgive him. He is relying on me to make him feel better about things. How can I heal when all my energy is being zapped by having to constantly talk to him?

5. He says he's taken full responsibility for what happened. He really isn't doing that. The other night he had the nerve to say to me "You should really examine what is wrong in our relationship that made me NEED to go outside of it." Nope, that right there is evidence that he is trying to shift some blame onto me. That is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable.

If our relationship was really good and fulfilling for both of us prior to this happening, I would probably have forgiven him by now. But the underlying fact that is our relationship has been seriously defective for a long time. From where I'm sitting, most of the problems relate to his level of emotional immaturity. Of course he would disagree. He seems to think that he fucked another girl because I was not supportive or affectionate enough. But why would that be the case? I think it's because he's hurt me so many other times, in other ways, that I was subconsciously distancing myself from him. There have been so many things I have had to overlook in our relationship over the years; I think they began accumulating in my subconscious mind.

So neither of us are happy with the way things are, and how they were before this separation. In my eyes, I have a whole lot of grieving to do. He has a LOT of growing up to do. I'm pessimistic that he will be able to do it. If he isn't, there's no way we will be able to work things out. He has fucked up so many times. I will probably be willing to give him another chance, but it will most likely be the last one.

After all, there are only so many colours of the rainbow.

There's a fire on TV...

WARNING: girl stuff will be discussed.

Yesterday I had such a stupid girlie episode, it actually made me feel ill. I'm not normally the type to do stupid, irrational things like most chicks. I like to think I'm a bit more reasonable, logical and sane. But I couldn't help myself yesterday. It all just kind of blew up in my face. One little thing set me off, and I turned into bitchzilla. And the most frustrating part was that I sat back and watched myself do it, without being able to stop it. I'm never that out of control during the hormonal times of the month. Usually I can keep tabs on myself by purposely watching a sappy movie and having a crying fit; that almost always gets it out.

It was just... so overwhelming. I got upset, and tried to keep it in. Then I got mad at myself for being upset, and started crying. Then I got mad because I was so mad I was crying, and the cycle continues. But not only was I feeling emotional, I was acting that way too. I tried to warn Mike away but he's too persistent sometimes. He really needs to learn when I just need to be left alone... if not for my sake, then for his. Usually when I know I'm going to be that dramatic I'll stay away from people. I'd rather not bite his head off when it isn't actually his fault.

I once read somewhere that PMS is a psychological thing, and I would like to heatedly debate that topic with that unknown person. I bet it was a man who said it. Men just don't understand the kind of shit that women go through. I'm not ignorant of the fact that men have their own set of problems, but I'm also not ignorant enough to claim I understand them. From what I DO understand, men's issues tend to be socially based. Women have that too, but we also have the physical problems.

Here's a bit of a rant.

Periods. GAH. Bleeding for anywhere between 3 to 7 days per month. Having to deal with maxipads and tampons. Being constantly afraid that you will leak all over your pants and make a social mockery of yourself. I hear some women have odour problems. The ups and downs of the bleeding cycle: heavy, medium and light flow days. If you don't use tampons, you can't go swimming. Tampons are actually pretty unhealthy for the body but are convenient in other ways except application. Then there's the PAIN... having to suck down Tylenol like it's being discontinued. Cramps that take over your abdomen, radiate down your legs and up your back. Feeling constantly drained of energy from blood loss and painkillers. Breasts swelling and becoming painfully tender. Possibly retaining water. Craving all the wrong foods and not being satisfied with salad or healthy alternatives. And the best part... most men won't even touch you when you're bleeding, like it's some kind of physical taboo... with the irony that some women get incredibly horny at that time. It's ludicrous.

I've always found that my hormonal stage occurs just before my monthly inconvenience, and maybe a day or two into it. So I know when it's coming if I'm feeling irrationally emotional. Men complain about the hormone surges, but most of the time we can't always help it. Some have managed to control it, or at least recognize the warning signs, but in the end it's ruled by a bodily system that does not take orders from the rational brain. It can be compared to morning wood or teenage wet dreams... it's just something that may or may not happen randomly at semi-predictable times.

I could go on to other girlie issues, but I'm rather tired from the blood loss.